What do you do when you feel empty?
Do you remember the days when you feel useless, purposeless and lifeless? There are days when I feel so closed, lost and tense that the outer Sun does not penetrate inside my body or in my heart. I am hermetically closed to everything coming from inside and from outside. I am very much like an empty shell.
At these times nothing touches me. I am cut off from myself, from my body, from my emotions and from the outside world. I felt as if I was the action I was doing, as if there was nothing else left from the real and eternal God Spark in me. The spark of life which is the divine presence shared by all life. This Spark of life is split in all living things and on all the planets and Universes. This Spark does not operate on discrimination. It raises its state of consciousness and self- awareness through countless amounts of incarnations in many lifetimes, on many planets, as many life forms. It evolves and learns practical things, but it also develops its intellect, its body, its consciousness, as well as compassion, respect and love for other life forms.
Suddenly today, I was no longer the divine being we all are, I was only the action I was performing. I was only a shadow of myself. A shadow who forgot that she has a body, that she has feelings, emotions, a weight, substance and a personal history. I forgot that I am an individual, I forgot that I AM.
I forget who I am in these moments of experiencing losing myself. I am unrelated to my body and not connected to the Earth. I forget I have feet, and I certainly cannot experience where my feet are. I am unrelated to the higher dimensions and to the universe. It is as if the entire Universe suddenly disappears. Suddenly I am the size and the weight of a dot.
Today I have done some work with a rather disconnected friend. We worked together outdoors doing a rather uncomfortable job. I observed the part of myself who just wanted to copy the stiff and inelegant movements of my friend. He was not comfortable working outdoors and the wind upset him. His movements were getting more and more robotic and out of control.
Without any suspicion on my part, there was someone inside of me who just wanted to reproduce this inner posture of abandonment that my friend was adopting. There was a part of me who did not offer any resistance in giving up being myself. This part of me is happy to give up trying to be present in my life.
Sudden abandon to this powerless situation seemed so attractive and tempting. The path of least resistance is a good way to falling deeper and deeper into sleep mode for me. Being between these two states of awareness was a true wake up call for me today. Being able to see myself disappear into the open air and become an out of control puppet in front of this challenge somehow brought me back to the here and now moment. I am very grateful for every opportunity for awakening, as a slow and progressive process which is on offer for us now.
I am grateful for this wonderful opportunity for awakening that my friend offered to me. I am grateful that every moment is a new beginning, a new opportunity, a new adventure. I am grateful for being able to connect with my feelings, instead of being the usual sleeping drone I ordinarily am.